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It’s Your Civic Duty to Lie on the Census

March 25, 2010

The Census TV and radio Commercials are my best argument for this.  The Federal government gives your state and congressional district money based on your answers to the census.  If you don’t turn it in, your town won’t get money for roads, buses street signs, hospitals or many of the other things the federal government steals your money to pay for.  If everyone is honest, you still don’t get all your money back because of the cost of running the government.  However, if you, um, embellish your answers, they pay you!  For best results, figure out how many sleeping bags you can tile in all the bedrooms and the living room and put that down as your answer.

Other details that help bring money stolen from you back into your neighborhood:

  • Minority status – you and your family are pacific islanders, right?  And hispanic?  The government LIKES multiculturalism, so this will make them feel happy while paying your community money!
  • Income – less is literally more here.  Obviously you can’t claim zero, so the rule of thumb is to take what you want the IRS to believe you actually earn and divide by two.

Oh and don’t worry about getting caught – the government can only check about 2 percent of the TAX forms they receive and they have a financial interest in following up on that!  Inflate those numbers, convince your neighbors to do the same and if we all do our part, we can ALL have mag lev trains to take us to work in the morning and hovercraft buses to take us home at night!

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From → politics

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